Do you want to give us a hand and get yourself a sneak peek at the upcoming Kickstarter page?

Drew, where would you like to receive feedback?

Anywhere, really. Here, email, on the KSer page, IM, etc.

The banners are great and you do a great job explaining to people what the game is. Most of what’s below is smaller stuff.

* I’ll admit that I find that first font under “about this project” a bit difficult to read.

* The “someone – something — else” bit, it looks like the two dashes are not the same length (as I attempted to render faithfully in my quote)

* I’d format the title (in italics or bold or something) in the body of the “story” part of the KS, as well as all other titles, including Apocalypse World. Especially for a name like The Watch, it can scan as “just words” if you don’t offset it with styling.

* “the minds of men and has” > “the minds of men, and has”

* In “What is The Watch?” you use “fighting force” twice, one sentence after another; awkward

* “recommended to use this preview, but even just” > “recommended to use this preview, but just“

* Also, and I know this is weird, but I think that sentence uses “it” too many times. I’m sure there’s a cleverer way to say that, but maybe it’ll be clear when you read it.

* The text block in alt-font under “The Rules” says that the chaos “almost” shattered the clans, but earlier we were told that the clans “joined together,” and then immediately we’re told the Shadow caused the divisions to be set aside. “Shattered” is a problematic word there, I think. It muddies up what happened, I feel (though I know the world a bit from having played it, so I can fill in the gaps).

* In Innovations, you mention “a completely unique story.” I don’t love that language; aren’t all stories unique? Maybe I’m just being pedantic about that word.

* Pick Oxford comma or not, and stick with it. In an earlier section, you have “have been recruited, trained, promoted and formed,” but then in Innovations, you say “Camaraderie, Jaded, Weariness, and Mission Moves”

* I don’t think a semicolon is appropriate here, maybe just a comma: “unlocks powerful moves for your protagonist; reflecting their mastery in their field”

* “will recognize it’s parallel, Corruption” > “will recognize its parallel, Corruption”

* Since you called out the Urban Shadows reference in Corruption, do you want to mention the (evident-to-me, but maybe I’m wrong) influence of Night Witches on the Mission Moves?

* “Let’s give you a chance to get to know them, they are:” the tone here feels off with the rest of this, you could do this without the “let’s give you a chance” part, I feel, to greater effect

* “Good for players who like being a troublemaker” > “Good for players who like being troublemakers“

* “Good for players who like being a healer” > “Good for players who like being healers“

* “International versions, please choose” > “International versions; please choose”

* The image-text-block under “Rewards” uses two types of dash as well

* I think you can do without one of the uses of “add” in: “If you’d like to add some extra stuff to your order, add the following to your pledge”

* “*mix. The* Fox” > “*mix: The* Fox”

* “*engine to* give us a game” > “*engine, to* give us a game”

* Should Risks & Challenges be written from Andrew’s voice, of from the same group voice used throughout the KS?

* “nearly full-proof,” > “nearly fool-proof,” (but maybe you don’t want to tempt with this phrase? :))

* “*written; it’s* being edited” > “*written. It’s* being edited”

Thanks Robert Bohl, that was extensive and helpful. I’ve implemented nearly all those changes as they were all quite reasonable.

The only point I’ll defend is the Misison Moves. I came up with this one long before NW ever came out. So though it shares a theme with NW, it was completely my own design. The game itself however, was heavily influenced by NW and deserves that shout-out elsewhere.

Absolutely don’t “credit” them, then :). I have something similar going on with Fiasco and MY; lots of people assume it was influenced by Jason’s work, but it was convergent evolution.

Sorry for my mistake, and I’m glad my comments were helpful.

Convergent Evolution, that’s the term I was trying to remember but couldn’t; that’s exactly right. No need for an apology, it’s a very reasonable assumption to make. [takes a bow] Thank again.

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