I have imposter syndrome – both at work and when gaming. When gaming I generally feel like I am the least talented person at the table and I am just hoping no one notices. This is the case when I am running a game as well. I always feel like I didn’t prepare as well as I should (but I hate prepping – I don’t really get the “lonely fun” feeling) and beat myself up about it. Then I tend to feel like I am fumbling around when I am actually running the game. Finally when the game is over I am kind of relieved but just keep thinking about what I should have done better. Afterwards people say lots of nice things but usually I am thinking in my head “yeah, but you didn’t notice how I fucked up this or that.” I generally am in a not great headspace after running a game…
Last night though I ran Bluebeard’s Bride for the first time… I was running it for The Gauntlet (https://plus.google.com/communities/116329047011220562548) for a bunch of folks who had never played, some of whom had listened to / watched APs, but all of whom were super excited to play and had very high expectations. (One person was explicitly spending part of their birthday day-off playing and one had a cold but still wasn’t going to give up the chance to play.) So you know… No pressure…
It was fucking awesome. Hands down the best session of a game I have ever run and I had zero nerves before/during/after the game. Everyone absolutely raved about it – and somehow I really actually accepted and felt I earned the praise. (This is something I basically can’t do: accept and feel I earned praise.) Everyone had high expectations and they were all met, and then some. I felt like a million bucks afterwards (and especially after the raves in the debrief). Hell, I still feel amazing.
Sarah Richardson Whitney Beltrán +Marissa Kelly thank you so so much for designing this game. It is magical and it has helped me feel confident about myself – something I have rarely ever felt. The text is succinct and perfectly voiced. I felt absolutely supported by it. (Extra thanks to Sarah for all the APs and for running it at Dreamation – all of which just reinforced what the text so clearly teaches.)
I look forward to regularly performing the duties of Groundskeeper for a long time to come…
Thank you.