IT IS DONE.
Originally shared by Isaac Sher
Welp… I threatened earlier today to provide a script of what would happen if Elmo’s World were to do an episode about Wrestling… and it’s DONE. And also fairly long, just so you’re warned.
I hereby apologize in advance:
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ELMO’S WORLD: WRESTLING
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(The scene opens with Elmo singing his opening theme, as usual)
ELMO: (singing) La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, Elmo’s World. La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, Elmo’s World! Elmo loves his goldfish… his crayon too! Thaaaat’s Elmo’s World!
(Cue title card)
(Cut to shot of Elmo addressing the camera, with a goldfish in a bowl, “Dorothy”, next to him)
ELMO: Hi! Welcome to Elmo’s World! Elmo’s so happy to see you — and so is Dorothy! Say hello, Dorothy!
(Cut to closeup of Dorothy. She swims in a circle for a moment. Cut back to Elmo and Dorothy together/)
ELMO: (giggling) Guess what Elmo’s thinking about today! YA-TA-TA-DA!
(Out of nowhere, a ring bell tolls. Elmo looks up in confusion, then hears a heavy thump at the door)
ELMO: I wonder who that could be…?
(Elmo opens the door, triggering a sudden sound of breaking glass, and Stone Cold Steve Austin’s music plays for a few short measures. Elmo looks around in confusion during the music, and out of the empty door opening, suddenly a cavalcade of folding steel chairs, a couple of tables, and a stepladder all fall out on top of him)
ELMO: Tables, Ladders, and Chairs! Oh boy… (he pulls himself out of the pile) Did you guess yet?
(A championship belt suddenly appears, dangling from a rope that’s presumably attached to the ceiling)
ELMO: Oooo, a shiny championship belt! Elmo’s going to need that ladder to reach that… Do you need one more hint?
(Elmo drops below the camera, and then suddenly pops up again, wearing a yellow tanktop and yellow bandanna on his head)
ELMO: Whatchoo gonna do, when ElmoMania runs wild over you? (He pauses and tries to tear off the tanktop, but is unable to rip it) Wow, this is more difficult than it looks… did you guess yet? WRESTLING! Elmo’s thinking about WRESTLING!
(The screen dissolves in a haze of crayon-looking effects, and the usual kazoo music plays, this time to a montage. Some shots are of small children dressed up like wrestlers, or doing famous poses, but you also get some shots of actual wrestling footage mixed in there. Daniel Bryan leading a crowed in a YES chant, Hogan bodyslamming Andre The Giant, 2 Cool and Rikishi doing a dance, The Dudleys putting Matt Hardy through a table with a 3-D, Eddie and Rey in a WCW ring, Angelico doing a balcony dive in Lucha Underground, and so on. The screen dissolves again in another crayon haze, and the scene is back to Elmo, this time looking down at Dorothy’s bowl, which now has a miniature wrestling ring in it)
ELMO: See? Dorothy’s been thinking about Wrestling too — and she wants to settle this in the ring! But… Dorothy has a question. What do you do in a Wrestling ring? GOOD QUESTION, DOROTHY! Let’s ask Mr. Noodle! Mr. Nooooodle!
(Elmo walks over to a window shade, which is slowly inching upwards)
ELMO: Looks like Shade wants to know about Wrestling too! Come on, Shade, you can make it to the top rope! Go for it! YAY!
(The window shade suddenly pulls down, and then zooms all the way upward, revealing a room through its opening. Inside are two men and a woman — Mr. Noodle, played by Bill Irwin, Mister Noodle, played by Michael Jeter, and Ms. Noodle, played by Kristin Chenoweth. All are wearing matching pants, shirts, and vests as usual. They’re seated at a table. Mister Noodle is behind what is obviously a D&D dungeonmaster’s screen, big ruby-eyed statue and all, watching as Ms. Noodle is getting ready to roll some dice, her tongue stuck out in concentration. Mr. Noodle is holding up a character sheet, looking close at its details)
ELMO: It’s Mr. Noodle, Mr. Noodle’s Brother Mister Noodle, and Mr. Noodle’s Sister Ms. Noodle! It looks like they’re playing a game!
(Ms. Noodle rolls… and frowns)
ELMO: What number did she roll?
(Mr. Noodle cranes his neck, and blanches. He looks to Elmo and holds up one finger.)
ELMO: She rolled a one? Is that good?
(Mr. Noodle frowns and shakes his head. Ms. Noodle is clearly upset. Mister Noodle inaudibly cackles, quite gleeful. He even mimes going cross-eyed and sticking his tongue out as if dead, and gently pulls away Ms. Noodle’s character sheet, crumples it into a ball, and tosses it over his shoulder. Ms. Noodle stands up, stomps her foot, and promptly flips the table up and away off-camera, much to the mens’ shock, and they all stand there awkwardly.)
ELMO: I guess the game’s done then… can Dorothy ask a question?
(The trio look to each other, shrug, and then nod in unison at Elmo.)
ELMO: What happens in a Wrestling Ring?
(The camera shifts to only show the Noodles for now. For the rest of this bit, Elmo’s voice is heard from off camera, as are the voice of several unnamed children who are apparently watching this as well. Mister Noodle looks confused at the question, and holds up a brass ring like a magician might use)
ELMO: Not that kind of ring, Mister Noodle — a WRESTLING ring!
(A wrestling ring appears as if by magic behind the trio, and they look at it, get a “eureka” look, and all immediately dash off-camera)
CHILD 1: Where did they go?
(The three return, dressed in new outfits. Mr. Noodle is in Hulk Hogan-style red and yellow tights, tanktop, and bandana. Mister Noodle is dressed like “Macho Man” Randy Savage, and Ms. Noodle is wearing a Referee uniform. They all get into the ring, very eagerly.)
CHILD 2: There they are! It’s time for the Wrestling Show!
ELMO: That’s right! Wrestling is a like a show! And we’re the audience!
(Mr. Noodle and Mister Noodle bounce back and forth on the ropes, criss crossing each other’s path but never intersecting, while Ms. Noodle directs traffic.)
CHILD 3: Wrestlers try to throw each other down!
ELMO: That’s right! Mr. Noodle, can you do a body slam?
(Ms. Noodle suddenly sets down a chair. Mister Noodle sits in it, and sighs contentedly as Mr. Noodle proceeds to give him a backrub. Ms. Noodle pulls out a bottle of toe nail polish and gets ready to give Mister Noodle a pedicure)
ALL THE CHILDREN: No, that’s not right!
ELMO: Silly Noodles — that’s a body massage, not a body slam! A slam! A move where you throw the other person to the ground!
CHILD 2: It’s a play fight, not a spa!
(The trio look sheepish, and then move back to wrestling positions. Mr. Noodle suddenly delivers a picture-perfect scoop slam on Mister Noodle, who sells it like a taser strike.)
CHILD 1: To win the match, you have to pin him!
(Mr. Noodle looks confused until Ms. Noodle hands him two bowling pins, which he proceeds to lay down on Mister Noodle’s prone stomach)
CHILD 3: Not BOWLING pins! To pin him means you cover him with your body so he can’t sit back up!
ELMO: Don’t forget to hook the leg!
(All three make an “ooooooh!” face, and then toss the pins aside, and Mr. Noodle goes for the pinfall, indeed hooking the leg as Elmo suggested. Ms. Noodle slaps the mat, 1-2-3, and the bell rings!)
ELMO: The match is over! Mr. Noodle wins!
(Mister Noodle scrambles back up to his feet, looks around uncertainly, and then offers a hand to Mr. Noodle)
CHILD 1: Are they friends now?
CHILD 3: Shake his hand, Mr. Noodle!
(Mr. Noodle also looks around, as if listening to the cheers of the audience, and while deeply uncertain, he tentatively reaches out… and shakes Mister Noodle’s hand. Ms. Noodle cheers!)
CHILD 2: They did it! They’re friends now!
ELMO: Mr. Noodle and Mister Noodle formed the Mega-Power Noodles! They’re going to Wrestlemania!
(The shade closes, and the camera moves back to Elmo in his room)
ELMO: I’m sure that they’ll be best friends forever! …What’s that, Dorothy? Oh, okay! Dorothy wants to ask someone else.
(The screen dissolves in a haze of crayon-colored bubbles, revealing a small four year old white boy wearing a John Cena shirt and cap, standing next to a pedestal with Dorothy’s bowl on it)
BOY: I like John Cena! When he gets to the ring, he does this!
(The boy salutes, and then does Cena’s “You Can’t See Me” gesture. The scene shifts to show a little six year old Chinese girl, standing there by the fishbowl, with a large plush doll)
GIRL: Dorothy, I like Bret Hart! He wears pink, my favorite color, and he can do THIS!
(She proceeds to fold the doll’s long plush legs around hers, and puts the doll in a passable but clearly recognizable Sharpshooter hold. The camera shifts back to Elmo and Dorothy.)
ELMO: Thank you, everyone! And thank YOU Dorothy, for such a great question! Now, Elmo’s going to ask a BABY!
(Elmo is holding a microphone in one hand, and he walks over to where an adorable little African-American baby girl with cute little braids is sitting in her high chair, playing with some blocks.)
ELMO: (holds up microphone towards the baby) Awesome Angelique, are you going to cut a promo today? What are your thoughts about the big match tonight?
(The baby blinks in confusion, then grabs the microphone out of Elmo’s hand, throws it to the ground, and gives a huge laugh and a smile.)
ELMO: (laughing) That’s right, champion! Thank you, Baby! (Elmo leans in and kisses the baby on the forehead)
(The scene cuts back to Elmo’s room, standing next to Dorothy’s bowl again)
ELMO: That baby was a natural on the mike! But now, Elmo has a question for-for-for YOU! (He points to the camera) How many performers are in the ring for a tag-team match?
(A cartoon ring appears on the screen in front of Elmo, and four little animated wrestlers enter, one by one, looking somewhat like Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Dusty Rhodes, and Ron Garvin…)
ELMO: (with offscreen kids counting along) One… two… three… four….
(A referee comes out and enters the ring too)
ELMO: …Five! The referee is a performer too! That’s five performers in the ring!
(And suddenly a little cartoon Jim Ross in a giant cowboy hat appears at ringside)
ELMO: …And one ringside announcer!
JIM ROSS: By god, King! They’ve broken it in half!
(As he says this, the other cartoon wrestlers break the cartoon ring into two pieces, and run off opposite sides of the screen, followed by Jim Ross)
ELMO: Great counting, everyone! And now…
(The Computer suddenly appears behind Elmo, dancing back and forth)
COMPUTER: Elmo Has Mail! Elmo Has Mail! Elmo Has Mail!
ELMO: Ohhh! Elmo has mail! Hold still, Computer!
COMPUTER: (Not standing still at all) Elmo Has Mail! Elmo Has Mail!
ELMO: Computer… Elmo needs to check his mail, or Elmo will put THE CLAW on the Computer! (Elmo holds up one hand menacingly, fingers open wide. The computer settles down, and Elmo clicks on the mouse.)
(Closeup on the screen, which shows a video window of Bert & Ernie, sitting in some sort of crowded auditorium during a show)
ERNIE: Hi there, Elmo! It’s me, Ernie, and I’m here at a “Puro-Resoru” show in Japan with Bert! That’s how they say “Pro Wrestling” here! We’re having a great time!
BERT: …Why are we in Japan, Ernie?
ERNIE: When we first got here, I was confused, because the crowd didn’t cheer the way I was expecting, but even that’s really great! When you and I might say “wow”, the Japanese might say “uwaaa” instead! And where you and I might say “this is awesome”, the Japanese might say “sugoi!” instead! But no matter how you say it, we’re all having a really fun time at the wrestling show! Isn’t that right, Bert?
BERT: …Ernie, HOW did we get to Japan? What are we doing here?
ERNIE: Well, the next match is about to start, so we need to wrap this up… Oooo, it’s the RAINMAKER! Isn’t he your favorite?
BERT: OH MY GOODNESS IT’S THE RAINMAKER!!! OKADA-SAN! OKADA-SAN! YOU’RE THE BEST! DAISUKI! RAINMAKER NUMBER ONE! UWAAAAAAAAAA!
ERNIE: …Wow! Well, see you next time, Elmo!
(The window closes, and the camera shifts back to Elmo as the Computer scuttles away)
ELMO: Thank you, Computer! I guess they’re having a great time at the Wrestling show… hey Drawer!
(A walking end-table walks up)
ELMO: Drawer, show us what else you might see doing wrestling! Open up, Drawer! Don’t make Elmo give you a ticket to Suplex City, Drawer!
(The end table refuses to budge, but then pushes Elmo back with an elongated drawer, and then flips Elmo up, over, and off screen as he cries “Whoooooooaa!”)
(A picture flies up out of the open drawer, becoming another screen dissolve, showing a picture of a birthday cake)
ELMO (off screen): Do birthday cakes wrestle?
UNSEEN CHILDREN: No!
ELMO: That’s right! But Tommy Dreamer might get a birthday cake to the face!
(Cut to still of Tommy Dreamer getting exactly that. Cut to shot of a crayon and a hot dog)
ELMO: Do crayons or hot dogs wrestle?
UNSEEN CHILDREN: No!
(Cut to shot of a sparrow on a branch)
ELMO: Do birds wrestle?
UNSEEN CHILDREN: No!
(Cut to shot of Big Bird, wearing a green mask, a cape, and a green tunic with an H on it)
ELMO: Unless it’s Big Bird, pretending to be his favorite wrestler!
BIG BIRD: Stand back! There’s a HURRICANE coming through! (Big Bird poses, and exits)
(Cut back to Elmo)
ELMO: Remind Elmo not to go to Suplex City again… hooboy. Oh, there you are! Elmo has a friend, named Boris, who LOVES wrestling! He went to a show in Florida, and told Elmo ALL about it!
(Camera cuts to shot of a young boy and his parents attending an NXT show)
BORIS: I love wrestling. So my mommies took me to see NXT when we went to visit Grandma in Florida!
(Cut to shots of various performers in the ring, doing their thing — Sami Zayn, Hideo Itami, Charlotte, et.al.)
BORIS: At NXT, they learn how to be the best wrestlers they can, and then they put on shows for everyone! Both men and women can be wrestlers — my favorite wrestler there was Sasha Banks! She’s really strong, and I like her smile!
(Shots of Sasha Banks in a match against Becky Lynch, Sasha generally dominating)
BORIS: At the main event, I got a little scared when a MONSTER came out!
(Shots of Finn Balor, in full beast makeup, strutting around the ring, a giant eyeball painted on his back)
BORIS: His name was Finn, and he could jump REALLY high! I can jump high too, but not like that! After the show, I got to meet him, and even though the stuff he has on was scary-looking, he’s actually really nice, and he signed my program book! I love wrestling!
(Cut back to Elmo, holding up a picture of Boris standing between Finn Balor and Sasha Banks)
ELMO: What a great vacation, Boris! And a great picture! Thank you! And now, Elmo wants to know even more about Wrestling! How can we find out even more?
(the Television waddles into the background, and Elmo turns to see it)
ELMO: Oh yeah! Elmo can watch The Wrestling Channel! Turn yourself on, TV!
(The TV bends itself down to touch its power button, and a cartoon starts playing, which now fills the actual screen)
ANNOUNCER: (Appears as a little cartoon Stone Cold Steve Austin, standing in a flashing marquee) Welcome to the Wrestling Channel, where the word of the day is KAYFABE!
(Shot of a middle-aged cartoon lady with big curly hair)
ANNOUNCER: And now, our host, The Fabulous Martha!
MARTHA: (Walking through a cartoon locker room with various cartoon wrestlers exercising or practicing holds) Hi, everyone! I’m the Fabulous Martha, and I’m here to talk about Wrestling! It’s important to know that Wrestling is just a show, that people aren’t actually trying to hurt each other. But it’s fun to pretend, so they work hard to make it look real!
MARTHA: (Closeup on the screen) But remember, they practice how to do this all the time, and even then, they have to be really careful or they get hurt for real! Don’t try these moves at home, kids!
MARTHA: (Standing in a ring) But there’s so many fun things about Wrestling! All the exciting stories, all the big fancy jumps and moves, and you get to cheer for your heroes (here a cartoon Daniel Bryan appears) and boo the bad guys! (A cartoony masked Kane appears, fire spurting out his eyes) Some wrestlers pretend to be very serious… (cartoon Roman Reigns appears, scowling), and some pretend to be craaaaaazy! (Cartoon Bray Wyatt appears, holding a lantern and making silly faces)
MARTHA: Some wrestling show are in big stadiums, and some are in little gyms! (Cut to shot of two guys in plain tights in a school gym) But no matter where the show is, or who’s in the ring, it’s all about everyone having a great time! I LOVE WRESTLING!
(Cut to shot of the Stone Cold Announcer again, in the marquee box)
ANNOUNCER: Coming up next — All Wrestling, All The Time! And That’s The Bottom Line, Because I Said So!
(Cut back to Elmo, as the TV turns itself off and wanders away)
ELMO: Wait, TV, don’t go yet! Elmo wants to learn more about Wrestling! How can Elmo learn MORE?
(There’s a knock at the door, and then PAUL HEYMAN, the real guy, not a muppet, lets himself inside, wearing a nicely cut suit)
PAUL: Perhaps I can be of assistance?
ELMO: Are you a Wrestler too?
PAUL: Even better — I’m a Booker, a Manager. I’m the one who tells the Wrestlers what to do. (Paul adjusts his tie and smirks)
ELMO: A manager! And who do you manage?
PAUL: I’m so glad you asked that, Elmo. Because my client, the wrestler I represent, is someone who is feared and respected in this industry, a monster in the ring — I present to you, The Feast, BROCCOLI LESNAR! (Heyman pronounces it “Bah-rock-ali… Les-nar!”)
(In walks a large muppet that looks like a head of broccoli with two beefy arms)
BROCCOLI LESNAR: (who has a surprisingly high voice) Eat, Sleep, Wrestle, Repeat!
ELMO: Woooooow! He’s huge!
PAUL: Now Elmo, if you want to really learn more about Wrestling, then I think you should finish your education… in the ring!
ELMO: Really? Against THE FEAST?
PAUL: That’s right! I know that you’ve been practicing your moves, and that you are a highly trained Monster, so I think you’re ready to give it a shot. In fact, I’ll book you in a match right now!
ELMO: Well, Elmo has been practicing…
PAUL: Before you get in the ring, Elmo, there’s something very important that you’re missing.
ELMO: What, what? What is Elmo missing? Did Elmo drop something?
PAUL: No no… not like that. You don’t have a GIMMICK yet. Most great wrestlers need a gimmick, a character, to make it more fun for the audience!
ELMO: Oh yeah! A gimmick! Oh look!
(The camera cuts to Dorothy’s bowl, where a thought bubble hovers over Dorothy, with an image of Elmo dressed up in a blonde wig, sunglasses, and a suit jacket)
ELMO: Dorothy’s imagining Elmo with different wrestling gimmicks!
(The thought bubble fills the whole screen, showing Elmo dressed as Dusty Rhodes giving his legendary “Hard Times” promo, while another Elmo in a black suit holds a microphone out to him and nods)
ELMO: (Voice-over) Elmo can be The American Dream!
INTERVIEWER-ELMO: The American Dream, Elmo Rhodes, your fans welcome you back!
RHODES-ELMO: Elmo is going through some hard times, brother! My fur may be just a little too red, my nose just a little too big, but brother, I’m bad and they know I’m bad!
(Scene changes to Elmo now dressed as CM Punk, with goatee and arm-wraps, sitting cross-legged on a stage)
ELMO: (Voice-over) Or maybe CM Elmo, The Best In The World!
CM ELMO: Kevin Clash is a millionaire who SHOULD be a billionaire, but he’s not! And do you know why? Because… (suddenly the mike in his hand goes silent, and when he realizes this he storms off angrily)
(Scene changes to a masked Elmo, bouncing around the ring like a pinball)
ELMO: (Voice-over) Maybe Elmo could be a Luchador, like Elmo Mysterio!
ELMO MYSTERIO: 212! (Hits the “619” on another Elmo, this one dressed like Ryback) WOO HOO! Luchadors are the best!
(Scene changes to a dark room…)
ELMO: (Voice-over) Or Elmo could even become… The Phenom! The mysterious ELMO-TAKER!
(The light comes up just enough to reveal Elmo-Taker in a dark jacket, the hat, and his eyes are solid white as he draws his thumb across his neck with a sinister grin as the Undertaker’s gong sounds)
(The scene cuts back to Paul Heyman, Broccoli Lesnar, and Elmo)
PAUL: You could do any of those things, Elmo, and more!
ELMO: Elmo knows what he wants his gimmick to be! Be right back! (He zooms off-screen, and then almost immediately comes back with a flat-top black wig, prominent eyebrows, and black trunks. He holds up a microphone…) FINALLY! THE ELMO HAS COME BACK… TO SESAME STREET! (A crowd cheer can suddenly be heard, and Elmo-Rock archs one eyebrow)
PAUL: Very good, Elmo! But now it’s time for your tag-team match… where you and your partner, Super Grover…
(Super Grover walks in, arms and cape spread wide)
SUPER GROVER: It is I, SUPER GROVER!
ELMO: Oh dear.
PAUL: …will face my client, BAH-ROCCOLI… LES-NAR… and his tag-team partner, CHRIS JERI-CAULIFLOUR!
(A cauliflour-with-arms puppet appears, this one not as big as Broccoli Lesnar, his arms spread wide, and a song can be heard playing with the lyric “CLEAN THE PLATE DOOOOOOWN!”)
PAUL: And there’s the bell! (DING!)
(Super Grover starts out against Chris Jeri-Cauliflour, who immediately ties up Grover into “The Walls of Jeri-Cauliflour” hold)
SUPER GROVER: I, Super Grover, shall dominate this…WHOA! Oh dear… Uh, Elmo? I think I’m stuck. Help?
ELMO: Don’t worry, Super Grover, The Elmo will make the save!
(Elmo jumps into the ring, shoves Chris away from Super Grover, and Chris then tags in Broccoli Lesnar)
PAUL: You didn’t get tagged in, Elmo, you have to go back to your corner! That’s the rule!
ELMO: Oh, okay. Go for it, Super Grover! You can do it… maybe?
SUPER GROVER: Wait, what’s with the mayb…WHOA!
(Super Grover is immediately picked up by Lesnar, who lifts him over his head)
BROCCOLI LESNAR: Brought to you by the letter of the day, “F”, and the number “5”!
(Lesnar spins Grover around and flings him waaaaaay up high, off the screen)
GROVER: HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!
ELMO: (facepalming) Don’t worry! The Elmo will save Super Grover. (Beat.) Again.
(Elmo jumps in, shoves Lesnar to one side, and then catches Grover safely)
ELMO: Quick, Grover! Give The Elmo the hot tag!
GROVER: Anything, just get me out of this ring! (Tags Elmo, leaves the ring)
ELMO: (Pushes down Lesnar into the center of the ring, and pulls off an elbow pad) And now, it’s time for the most electrifying move in educational entertainment… THE PEOPLE’S ELMO!
(Elmo runs back and forth inside the ring, and then comes down on Lesnar with an elbow, and then pins him, with Heyman making the pin count)
PAUL: One… two… three! Elmo, you’ve won! What do you have to say?
ELMO: Can you smell… what Elmo’s mommy… is cooking?
(Everyone pauses, sniffs the air, makes appreciative noises)
PAUL: Grilled Cheese?
LESNAR: I go great with cheese!
CHRIS JERI-CAULIFLOUR: Ooo, me too!
GROVER: (still dizzy) I’m not sure I have much of an appetite…
ELMO: But before we eat, let’s sing The Wrestling Song!
(Everyone moves over to Elmo’s piano)
PAUL: I think I can grapple with that!
(And the scene ends with Elmo playing the tune of Jingle Bells, with every line being “wrestling wrestling wrestling wrestling, wreeeeestling….”)
ELMO: Goodbye, Paul! Goodbye Bah-Roccoli Lesnar! Goodbye, Jeri-Cauliflour!
GROVER: What, no goodbye for me?
ELMO: Goodbye, everybody! Elmo Loves You!
(ROLL CREDITS)
